How to develop self-realisation through relationships. Tips from practical mystic and yoga guru
I had conducted a wedding in Stockholm for a Swedish student of mine. The morning had fallen into place beautifully. It worked itself to bring about the best mix of people and energies. I had been holding the intention that those who could hold a space of joy and love for the couple would be there and that manifested.
I was not thinking that anyone in particular should or should not attend but whoever could truly wish the couple well be there. One of the groom's close friends dropped out last minute. I had not thought about him but, when the groom mentioned it to me, I remembered that this particular friend was the one with a lot of repressed anger. I also realised that his wife was not very fond of him and there was a bit of disharmony there. So his dropping out was in alignment with my intention for things to go harmoniously.
Just by being clear with my intention somehow the discordant energy had naturally released itself from them. I have seen in many relationships one needs to be clear about what one wants to create. Then the universe works for you and with you.
The mantras we chanted during the ceremony were also there as a reminder to help us resonate with harmony. Most of the Swedish guests who had no exposure to yoga or to Indian culture also loved the ceremony apart from the Swedes who were my students. .
A space of love and joy had been created as the couple and I had the best intentions for each other in mind and our bodies could become a vehicle for that. This was the realisation all three of us had when we saw how beautifully things had aligned themselves.
Relationships are the sum total of the persons involved and more. When there is consciousness then those involved can access the universal storehouse of love and wisdom.
The more conscious each of the members, the more harmonious the relationship. Each person mostly brings in their conditioned patterns into the relationship. Their personal, social, cultural conditioning also plays a role in how they relate and what they create.
One can observe if the relationship is mostly tamasic (dull, inert or ignorant), or rajasic (agitated) or sattvic (evolutionary and stable).
If one of the members is volatile then most likely the relationship will settle into its lowest equation of being volatile especially if the other is attached. It will become an abusive relationship.
Also see if the relationship is in tune with nature or with prakriti, whether it is moving towards sanskriti or refinement or whether it is trapped in vikriti or distortions and perversions. See what needs to be shifted and work accordingly.
One can aspire for noble friendships and even in this day of kali yuga I have seen a fair degree of refinement in people, which is very heartening.
So let not a few grits spoil your enjoyment of the good people in your life. There will always be some negative people who are so unhappy that they cannot see anyone else happy. So be aware of such people and learn to keep a safe distance from them if they are not willing to see or help themselves. Or if it is the patterns in you that prevent you from fully blossoming, then work on refining yourself instead of blaming others and being jealous of others who are successful.
Kind of relationship
One has to be clear about what one wants to create in one's life. Relationships of trust and love come when each one of us has self-acceptance.
This means we do not have to pretend to be who we are not as well as have the awareness to draw the right boundaries. It took a lot of practice for me to firmly yet gently draw my boundaries. This came with clarity as well as practice. You need to sit with yourself and see what works for you and what is comfortable for you. Then have the courage to step back and draw the line without fear of losing the person.
Acknowledge and honour your humanness. The beauty is that despite being human we embody the divine in so many ways. So to be human is not a flaw. To cry, to feel pain, to ache, to grieve, to give and receive keep our humanness alive.
So keep your humanness alive and at the same time refine your system to allow the divine to flow through. This will enable you to have relationships that are real and not created by some ideal of spirituality you have in your head.
Projections in relationships
When one relates to people, one has to be very aware of the projections. Don't project onto another when they show you a mirror that you are afraid of looking into. If you are the subtler one, then it will be very easy for the other to project their unresolved emotions onto you. This is sometimes an outcome of dealing with people who are unaware and unwilling to take responsibility for themselves.
At one point when I distanced myself from a schizhoprenic, he called me and asked in a demanding tone “Now who is going to take care of my karma? ” “You, of course, you lazy goose,” I thought, surprised at what I had heard. Though I kept quiet I prayed that life would teach him about himself and released him to the universal mother.
Whatever one's relationship, be aware of the projections and apply viveka or discernment to see the distance you need to keep with that particular situation or person. I have found that many gentle souls suffer from great gaps in self-esteem because they have taken the reflection from these distorted mirrors or people to be true.
Those who are afraid to see their own reflections should only realise that the more they stay with their own reflection the more it will settle and they will be able to see their beauty. This comes with cultivating an inner stillness that comes with practice. This samabhava or equanimity is what yoga cultivates.
The whole aim of the yogic practice is to embody the principles of harmony.
This is self- realisation. When the higher self becomes real. Even though one writes, reads, hears or intellectually understands this, there is a deep-rooted survival conditioning that is embedded in the body that needs to be released. Through the yoga practices, one can allow the reality of the higher self rather than the conditioned survival-oriented self to shine through. There is also acceptance of the conditioned self and we are not in denial of it. This is when we realise the self rather than just intellectually understand it.
This comes by creating space with those whom we absorb old patterns from unconsciously because of our attachment to them or the situation. So in close relationships it is important to create space to work on releasing old patterns and to not get enmeshed in them. This is a lifelong practice.
Yogacharini Maitreyi is a practical mystic who teaches yoga and creates conscious community around the world. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org; www.arkaya.net
Shaking and whooshing out jathi
You can do this simple jathi (conscious rhythmic movement) to create a body that can allow harmony. This is done by getting rid of agitation, stress or any negative emotions. This is good to wake you up if you are feeling a bit lethargic or when your thinking is a bit foggy. It is excellent to build circulation and release physical and emotional toxins. It can be done at any point during the day. It takes just a minute or two and you could take this break at regular intervals, when you are in front of the computer or waiting for something to happen. This can be done standing or as you are sitting as well. It is so simple yet so effective. Doing this will create a nice ease and joy in your body that could get uptight due to life's threats and conflicts.
Loosely shake out your wrists, then shake your elbows, your shoulder, your head and if you are standing, then bounce your knees as well. Feel yourself wobbling gently like a rag doll which has no bones. After some time of loose relaxed shaking, breathe out through the mouth with a big whoosh sound. Use the hands in a throwing out movement as you “whoosh” out the breath and throw out all the unwanted emotions and thoughts that clog the SELF from shining through. Do three, six or nine rounds.